Here's to the end of 2014!

My apologies for completely forgetting to blog but I guess I have had other things to do. 

Here is a recap of why 2014 sucked (for me): 

- Going to Florida for the Disney College Program was the worst decision ever. Its pretty useless unless you are a complete Disney nerd. I most definitely am not. 

- My social life went down the drain because I was gone for so long. 

- I may or may not have fucked up my relationship. I can't really remember. All I remember is waking up next to someone I didn't know and it scared the hell out of me. (Again... in Florida).. but, a certain man doesn't need to know that. He'd probably freak out and claim I cheated or something. I think I'd remember that much had that happened. 

Not that anyone reads this blog, but yes I got myself checked for STD's. 

- The relationship between my mother and I and the rest of her family isn't the best. But, give me a family that is perfect. 

- I feel like that I am ultimately at a dead end again. 

Now, here is why 2014 was awesome (for me): 

- I have almost made it a year with the same boyfriend (I'm terrified BTW!) 

- I learned that I was good enough to intern for Disney. 

- I went to a shit-ton of concerts before I left and felt ultimately loved by the people around me (that does not happen often!). 

- I've found myself a decent job that I actually kind of like. 

- I have graduated with my Associates of Arts degree. The only down side of that is trying to finish 4 year university applications. 

This year had felt like the longest. 

I am now 23. Aren't I supposed to have my shit together? 

I'm glad this year is ending. 

Here, have some fun music. This song always lifts my spirit when I feel like I'm drowning. I don't care if you aren't spiritual. I'm not and still find meaning.

What makes you breathe again?

Big Girls and the Fear of the Gym

It might not be a thing for you but it sure is for to me. The thing is, no ones body is perfect and we all try to better ourselves (come on, all new years resolutions are the same and if you are completely happy with your body then more power to you).

Me being who I am, always feel like I'd be made fun of for going to the gym. Being called fat as a kid wasn't pleasant and only aided to my weight gain (other issues too, eating your feelings might feel good now but not in the long run. Thats what they like to tell us at least).

But its so weird, its not that I hate my body or am uncomfortable with it because I am not. When I am alone and with people I am close to I don't feel so out of place. But when I am alone in public, shopping or just hanging around, I feel like the biggest person to ever walked this earth. I feel like everyone is glaring at me and maybe they aren't but that doesn't change my feelings. I feel conflicted with society and the push for plus size models, ladies and men against body shaming and everyone saying F--- Your Beauty Standards. Then theres the other side, the health risks, not looking cute enough in a swimsuit, or  wondering what everyone else will think of your body. Media likes thin people. Me? I think I just want to be happy and curvy. You can still be beautiful no matter what your size, but having self esteem and confidence is really hard.

The gym experience:

I love the gym, I really do. I gets my adrenaline going and I love the rush. I enjoy pushing myself.  Like today, I finally got myself to a light jog on the treadmill. I HATE the treadmill. HATE HATE HATE HATE. But hey, progress! Then I went and played some basketball.

Now, before I grow the balls to actually go to the gym I literally fight with myself. I have to push myself to go because I know that the only thing holding me back is the fear of people staring at me and judging me by my body weight. I have to tell myself "hey, at least I am trying to better myself". I have to constantly remind myself that I am not doing it for them but for me. I just want to be comfortable in my own body. I have no desire to be a size 4 (nothing wrong with that either, its just not what I want).  Once I get in there I can't stop and its like I am the only one in the gym.

Heres some music that helps boost my self esteem: