Me being who I am, always feel like I'd be made fun of for going to the gym. Being called fat as a kid wasn't pleasant and only aided to my weight gain (other issues too, eating your feelings might feel good now but not in the long run. Thats what they like to tell us at least).
But its so weird, its not that I hate my body or am uncomfortable with it because I am not. When I am alone and with people I am close to I don't feel so out of place. But when I am alone in public, shopping or just hanging around, I feel like the biggest person to ever walked this earth. I feel like everyone is glaring at me and maybe they aren't but that doesn't change my feelings. I feel conflicted with society and the push for plus size models, ladies and men against body shaming and everyone saying F--- Your Beauty Standards. Then theres the other side, the health risks, not looking cute enough in a swimsuit, or wondering what everyone else will think of your body. Media likes thin people. Me? I think I just want to be happy and curvy. You can still be beautiful no matter what your size, but having self esteem and confidence is really hard.
The gym experience:
I love the gym, I really do. I gets my adrenaline going and I love the rush. I enjoy pushing myself. Like today, I finally got myself to a light jog on the treadmill. I HATE the treadmill. HATE HATE HATE HATE. But hey, progress! Then I went and played some basketball.
Now, before I grow the balls to actually go to the gym I literally fight with myself. I have to push myself to go because I know that the only thing holding me back is the fear of people staring at me and judging me by my body weight. I have to tell myself "hey, at least I am trying to better myself". I have to constantly remind myself that I am not doing it for them but for me. I just want to be comfortable in my own body. I have no desire to be a size 4 (nothing wrong with that either, its just not what I want). Once I get in there I can't stop and its like I am the only one in the gym.
Heres some music that helps boost my self esteem:
